Why giving feedback is hard

I love receiving feedback, but I'm not good at giving it. Seth Godin taught me why.

[Suddenly, a low, guttural growl rumbles through the darkness as a hunched and tense shape emerges slowly. This is THE LIZARD BRAIN (ageless, twitchy, eyes darting), moving with predatory grace. Its every step is sharp, calculated, as if constantly hunting for danger. It sniffs the air, senses heightened, ready to pounce at the first sign of threat. Always ready. Always watching.]

It's the ol’ amygdala at work. Eye contact triggers the lizard brain, making feedback feel threatening for both giver and receiver.

We spend a lot of time advising how to better receive feedback. We spend less time on the giving end. Which is where we managers live.

So, how do we overcome our lizard brain's resistance to giving feedback?

[Insert pithy 3-part advice to overcome the oldest part of the human brain here.]

Important note: It takes courage. We’re pushing against our wiring. Being a people leader means doing hard things sometimes. But we're doing it in service of a greater good - it's about helping someone become better. In that fact, we can find some comfort in the thing causing us such discomfort.

With that said, here are three ideas:

Idea 1: Start the conversation by reinforcing mutual respect and purpose, emphasizing that the goal is to help the other person grow. Use calming, non-confrontational language like:

“I’m bringing this up because I believe you're capable of improvement, and I want to support you.”

“We both want to see success in this area, and I'm here to help with that.”

Please note: You actually have to believe what you're saying.

(Reference “Crucial Conversations” for more on this.)

Idea 2: If you have the luxury of being in-person, sit side-by-side or slightly angled rather than directly facing the person. This can reduce the intensity of eye contact, which is a primal trigger for the lizard brain. It lessens the feeling of direct confrontation and makes the interaction feel more collaborative.

Consider giving feedback in a setting that allows for this, like walking together, sitting at a round table, or casually standing next to the person.

Idea 3: Remember, feedback can act as an instinctive alert for the receiver's lizard brain. Be prepared to see a fight-or-flight response in the person receiving the feedback. If so, remember it's not about you. The best thing you can do is stay in the zone of what's outlined in Idea 1 above. They might need some time to sit with it. And that's okay.

Don't let fear silence your leadership. Your team needs your voice,

Especially when it's hard.